I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
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