sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
