If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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