I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
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