she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
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