so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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