It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
