So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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