i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
last night I used snow as a chaser
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