you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
Do vagina's smell?
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
