Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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