i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I could fuck to npr.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
