In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Randomize
