Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
