im six kinds of drunk right now
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Randomize
