Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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