i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
