You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
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