my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
