I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Randomize
