Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
