So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
we're so committed to being not committed
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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