Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
