you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
