So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Randomize
