You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
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Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
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Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
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