Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Randomize
