Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
