she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Randomize
