I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
