Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
