My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
