im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
