burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
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