It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
