here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
