Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
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