I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
