oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
