So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
