Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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