I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
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yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
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Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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