God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
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