Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
