I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
so how do you plan on seducing my econ TA?
by telling him that he has a large supply and that i demand it...in my mouth. it shows him that i'm slutty and that i pay attention in econ
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
