This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
