Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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