so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
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