my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize
