Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Randomize
