I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
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Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
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I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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