if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Randomize
