Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
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