You smell like stripper and shame
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
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