I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
