Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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