Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
