I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
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